Disjointed Thoughts

One.


I have so many things that I need to do today that I don’t want to do. The contract template, the review of the contract templates, the review of the new law, the presentation on the new law. But I seriously don’t want to touch any of them now. So I’m blogging.

Two.

I want us to buy our own house. I’m tired of renting. And it’s not even because of the fact that no matter how long we pay the rent, the house will never become ours (which is what I constantly hear from the grown-ups in our lives). I want a house because I want to decorate. I want to be able to design Mito’s room with stuff he likes. I want to be able to paint a portion of the wall red so the pictures I frame and hang will really stand out. I want to be able to set aside an area for just Moks and me, where we can retreat at the end of a tiring day once Mito’s asleep to just relax with each other.

I am trying to see if we can afford to buy now. We have no debt, we earn well. What’s bad is, the extra money we make we are not able to religiously save. We can be quite lavish on our entertainment expenses. Almost every month I get a credit card bill and I get surprised at how much we’ve spent on “nothings”. So I think it would be better if we spend our money on something concrete that will definitely benefit our family.

I’m looking at the developments in the Sta. Rosa area. I think they are all promising, and I would really love to buy before the prices skyrocket once all the planned developments come in.

But of course it’s scary as well. A 15-20-year financial commitment is no joke. We have to be sure we’re okay to live in the south. What if Mito’s accepted to study at UPIS – I would not want to subject him to the crazy commute from Sta. Rosa to Diliman! And does this mean I don’t get to resign anymore? Finally, can we have another baby as well?

Three.

I want another baby. The sane, thinking part of me says not yet, Mito’s too young, you need to space them properly, etc. etc. But the mother in me just loves its role so much that it can’t wait to hold another little wee-one soon.

Seriously, I don’t know if I’m just weird, but the mothering experience I had with Mito made me a forever fan of that first year of a baby’s life. Breastfeeding – awesome! Late nights – sure! Poop and spit-up and pee and vomit – any day! Because it all means experiencing what unconditional love is, having first-hand knowledge of absolute devotion, and learning how it is to be fully reliant on God.

Mama's boy? Thankfully so.

My little boy is growing up and getting extra clingy to me.

And I am loving it.  I know the opinions of the pediatrics societies, yes.  And I don't care one bit.

One of my worst fears as a full-time working mom is that my son would grow up preferring his yaya over me.  Of course I do want them to have a close bond, because I want Mito to not feel a lack of love despite his parents leaving him every workday.  Still, I dread the day when we'll be in a playground, and Mito will get hurt, and he'll run to his yaya instead of to me. 

So it's such a relief that despite my being away from him for at least 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, for him I am still the primary caregiver.  When I'm in the house, he wants me to be in charge.  Bathtimes, mealtimes, playtimes should all be with Mommy.  I want to believe it means I'm able to make the most of the limited waking time we spend together.


Just yesterday morning, Mito woke up and got down from the bed while I was fixing some stuff in the bedroom.  He must have stepped on something that hurt his foot a little, because he suddenly came to me complaining and pointing to his foot.  I sat down on the bed, asked him what was wrong, and gently rubbed his sole.  After that, he gave me a really really sweet smile, then kissed my hand, unprompted. 

Whenever something hurts him now, he comes to me and cuddles real close.  And I joyfully oblige him by squeezing him in a tight hug and peppering him with kisses. 

At bedtime, he rolls around the bed so much, struggling to stay awake.  When he has nearly exhausted himself, he snuggles up to me and squeezes and squirms as though we are two pieces of a puzzle that he's trying to put together, and finally settles in a position that affords us the most body contact - sometimes he sleeps in the crook of my arms, sometimes on my neck, sometimes on my legs.  I admit there are some nights when I am tired and I hurt from all the wrestling we do, and I try and sneak down from the bed and I ask his Dad to substitute.  But I only need a few minutes of respite, and I sneak back and reclaim my role as his nighttime nest.

I refuse to believe that all this closeness and sweetness is either: (a) making my son such a weakling that he won't be able to soothe himself when he grows up, or (b) a spoiled little monster who will be demanding and clingy all the way to adulthood. 

I only have a few years of this - of him wanting to be with me all the time.  I have a 5-year old nephew who already refuses to be referred to as our "baby", and whose constant response is "I can do it myself."  Just a few years ago he was slinking and clinging on to our legs and exclaiming, "I'm a baby whale", and now all he wants is to show us that he's a big boy now. 

I see my son learning so many new things, getting more and more ready to be independent, and I am proud and panicky at the same time.  He is getting better at eating on his own, he is learning how to undress himself, he runs off whenever we are out and he's walking.  I think, good job, Mito, but not so fast please.

So during these times when it feels like I'm his primary need, I will not balk at the opportunity to pamper him.  When he's still like this when he's 13, I will consider myself lucky.

Poor, neglected blog

It's been more than a year since my last post here, apparently.

Poor, neglected blog.

This does not mean, however, that I have not had adventures with my Mito.  Quite to the contrary, actually! I have been so busy with my boy (plus work, of course. Blech!) that I just couldn't find time to write anymore.  And since I made a promise to myself before I gave birth that I will not sacrifice the experience in favor of documentation, I always always opted to sit on the floor and play with Mito whenever I had some free time instead of in front of the computer blogging.

But I do miss writing.  So today I thought, hey, while I'm in the office and can't spend time with Mito anyway, and I have a few minutes to myself, I will write.

It has been a very good year - in so many ways.  I went through probably the most difficult challenge in my life to date (which will be the subject of a different post) and I want to believe I have learned and am still learning so much from it, Moks transferred jobs and is proving to be awesome in his current job, we celebrated Mito's birthday and many other milestones in his life.



His first taste of ice cream. Oh, it opened a whole new world of awesome for him!

  

This was his pre-birthday photo shoot, at the QC Circle. 



I have a 1-year old!  We had an Angry Birds-themed birthday party for him, because his hair at that time was so much like the Angry Birds' head feathers.  Hehe.



His first haircut, at 18 months. No fuss, no tears.  Thanks to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse!



At the Thunderbird Resort in La Union.  We totally "summered up" this year - 6 swimming trips! 

 Mito's 21 months old now.  He's running and climbing and wrestling.  He's not quite talking yet, which admittedly frustrates and worries me at times, but he's able to communicate with me well enough so it's still fine.

As OC as I want to be about this blog being "incomplete" and missing many details of Mito's growth and development, I know I just won't be able to write about everything that happened in the past year and catch up to present.  So I will quit obssessing about it.  Instead, here's to hoping I will be able to write as much as I want on this blog from now on.

Facepalm

I know, my love. Sometimes it feels better to just cover your face with your palms, tell the world you can’t watch, not surface again until things are less gloomy.

Unfortunately, you won’t always have that luxury. You will realize that more and more as you grow up. So during those facepalm moments, sing this song to yourself, ok?

If the struggle you’re facing
Is slowly replacing the hope with despair
Or the process is long
And you’re losing your song in the night
You can be sure that the Lord has His hand on you
Safe and secure, he will never abandon you
You are his treasure

And He finds His pleasure in you

A love letter to Mito

Do you have any idea how sweet your smile is, my beloved? You melt my heart with even just a sliver of it. Sometimes, when I’m busy with something else, and you’re playing, and then you catch me looking at you, you smile at me with such reassurance, as though to calm my guilt at not spending my every waking moment with you. You are such an angel, Mito.

Every day, we go off to work and you smile at us before we leave. You accept that we do what we need to do, and you don’t begrudge us that. When we get home at night, you grace us again with your smile, and you show your excitement that we can spend time again together. What did we ever do to deserve you, anak?

I am sorry that we don’t have a perfect family, Mito. Your father and I are adults, we mess things up. But you, you are innocence. And forgiveness. And love personified. You convict us of our selfishness, you make it possible for us to go beyond ourselves and do whatever is best for you.

My prayer is for you to always be healthy, always be safe. Don’t let our faults harm you, my son. Don’t let our failures drag you down. You are so much more than your father and myself, combined. You are the favor, the blessing, the responsibility God gave to us.

We love you, Mito. We will be eternally grateful for you, and to you.

A day in Mito's life

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if people remember their first year of life. Would we make statements like:

“Oh yes, I remember I started playing peek-a-boo at 6 months! That was tricky, I tell you. But it taught me about object permanence.”

or

“Dust tasted like old chicken, and the remote tasted like fish. The floor was okay, although its aroma packed a punch whenever it’s newly disinfected.”

I think it would be amazing to hear what goes on in the minds of babies. What can they be processing minute by minute? How exhausting must it be to learn about the world?

Mito is at the stage when he’s unbelievably active and curious about everything around him. He’s a whirlwind of activity. Sometimes he wakes up before 4:00 a.m. and starts playing already, and no amount of begging or even pretend sleep on my part deters him from whatever has caught his interest. He can get so engrossed in whatever he’s doing, so determined on a goal, (say, reaching the night light, or tasting the seat bottom of his daddy’s computer chair) that no matter what obstacles we put in his path, he’ll barrel through that.

And then there are times when, right in the middle of an activity, he powers off. Like right here in this picture. One second he’s honking the horn, mouthing the key, pounding on every little knob on his walker. And then the next second, he’s slumped, asleep.

I sometimes lose energy following him around, but I will never tire of watching my little boy grow up.

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again. ~Rousseau

Lessons from Mito #1

I envy the way Mito behaves every morning.

When Mito gets to that point each morning in between sleep and wakefulness – when he’s not fully awake yet, and yet he can’t really sleep anymore – he gets cranky. He rolls over a lot, restless and whining. He crumples his face, shuts his eyes really tight, scratches his head. It’s like he’s letting me know that he’s not pleased at his current state.

I mentioned this to my sister-in-law before; I said I don’t understand why Mito has to be cranky just because he’s about to wake up. She replied, “aren’t we all?” And I had an “oo nga, ano!” moment. I realized I’m cranky too when I am roused from sleep and I don’t want to get up yet, only I don’t show the same fuss as a baby because I am not (supposed to be) a baby anymore. I wonder, though: if I were able to let out my frustration at having to get up when I don’t want to yet, would I feel better after?

After a few minutes of fussing, Mito usually rolls over and lifts his head. He will then see me, and he will notice that it’s light inside the room. And then just like that, all the fussing will immediately stop, and he will give me his sweet smile and he will start exploring his surroundings again – tasting the blankets, trying to stand on the pillows, pounding on the bed’s headboard. It’s as if he’s embracing the new day with wonder. And I sigh and think, if only my day can be as exciting as his. Or if only I can have the same sense of excitement that he has.

Hay my little boy, you’re teaching me so much.