In about 14 weeks, I am going to be a mother.
The nearer my due date gets, the more I question if I am prepared for what's about to happen. Am I ready for motherhood? Do I have what it takes? Seriously, can I do this?
I look at myself everyday in the mirror and my big concerns are: what does my nose look like now? Are my arms getting bigger? Why the heck is my neck getting darker?
I compute our budget for each month and I always end up asking: what will happen to our budget once the baby's here? will we still be able to put a little something aside for savings? how much will we have to spend on diapers, and milk, and vaccines? and where will we get the money for all those?
I go home after a busy day in the office, look at my scrapbook stuff, and slouch on the couch, thinking i'm too tired to scrapbook now. Which leads me to wonder: what's gonna happen once the baby's here and I go back to work? will i have the energy to breastfeed the baby at night? will i have the energy to wake up early to spend some time with the baby before work? will i have the willpower to spend the weekends out of bed, playing with my son?
I look at Moks and I wonder how different our relationship is going to be once the new guy comes into our family. In the more than two years that we've been married, we have not had a really big relationship-threatening fight. will that change? will i be more demanding? will he be more understanding? will i be more submissive? will he be more loving?
I get closer to my delivery date, but nowhere nearer to getting these questions answered. i don't even know how to begin to answer these questions. I know that I have absolutely no idea what to do with a newborn baby. I don't know how to hold him, bathe him, change his clothes. i am reading books about pregnancy and taking care of babies, but i doubt if i will remember anything once i am presented with my boy. all i know is that after i give birth, my nanay will teach me all i need to know, and hopefully, i will prove to be a fast learner.
but i know too that it's not only the physical handling of the baby that i need to prepare for. i need to develop the emotional strength and willpower in order to be the kind of mother i want to be. last night I noticed a mosquito in our room, and I nagged Moks to get up from the bed and help me kill it. i begged the mosquito to let us kill him because i don't want whatever disease he's carrying to transfer to me and affect my baby. and then i wondered, how am i going to handle it if my baby gets sick? i remembered the scene in a hospital about 2 years ago, when my nephew Miguel was confined for bronchitis, i think. he was strapped to an IV, and he can barely eat. he vomits whenever he coughs, and he looked so tired. he's too traumatized from doctors and nurses poking at him that just the sight of a white coat makes him cry. only his mommy can comfort him, his dad was abroad. on his 3rd or 4th day in the hospital, his doctor ordered that the IV be transferred to a different vein because the vein where it's currently hooked has already collapsed. it took 4 adults to restrain and comfort him - his mom, my other sister, my nanay, and myself - while the doctor tried to look for a new IV site. he was 2 years old at that time, and not surprisingly, his veins were still so small and therefore difficult to locate. the doctor tried his hands and feet, inserted the needle so many times, and failed to hook to a vein each time. Miguel's cries were absolutely heartbreaking, and by the time the doctor gave up, all 4 of us were also in tears. i, in particular, was giving the doctor dagger looks, and i wanted to stab her for the pain she's wrought on my beloved nephew. the doc went out and said she will call some other doctor and come back. after she left, i told my sister to just try and give him the meds orally because it's just too painful if he has to go through that again. my sister said oral meds won't work because he keeps hurling everything out. i pleaded for him, i said kawawa naman siya. but my sister, his mom, said it's necessary, so he will just have to be brave. and then she carried him and comforted him. i stepped out because i was too scared and hurt for Miguel already, and then i saw my doctor friend in the hall. i told her what happened, and she talked to the doctor who "assaulted" my nephew earlier. they both went with me to the room, and then she asked Miguel's mom to embrace Miguel while sitting in her lap. she took Miguel's hand, and very gently looked for a vein. it took probably 10 minutes of gentle rubbing and patting, and then she asked for a syringe, and in one poke, she was able to get the needle in properly. i have never loved her more.
after that scene, i told my sister i don't know if i can be a mom, because i don't have the strength necessary to get what needs to be done, done. i just don't think i can stand it if my baby keeps crying in pain. she told me, pag kailangan na, kakayanin mo.
and i guess i am hoping that she's right. and not just in situations when my son gets sick, but for all the other motherhood situations as well.
i suppose there will be the inevitable kapalpakans all first time moms go through - the forgotten bottles in the sterilizer, the bath water that's too cold, the mosquito bites because i dressed him inappropriately before going out. and i guess i would have issues with myself as well - the stubborn bulge in the belly, the darker neck, armpits and singit, the unfinished scrapbooks, the career setbacks. and moks and i would have to somewhat redefine our relationship now that we will always be a company of three.
but i'm hopeful that everything will be okay. i am hopeful that i will learn everything i need to learn, develop everything i need to develop, and strengthen whatever needs strengthening, in time. my only goal is to not ruin my baby for life.
